As I promised in my last update, I will probably not write much about losing my job much. I want to continue to write about things that are applicable to many working moms, and I hope this is not one of those. However, after going through this, I think this is one of the times in my life that I have needed the most support. I feel that other moms need to know that there is support and moms that can identify with the grief and even anger that goes along with losing a job.
I could probably list about 30 strong, common emotions I have felt in the past 3 weeks. It still shocks me just how many feelings I have had. Everything from sadness to excitement for new opportunities to depression to guilt. I have never been so exhausted from job hunting and lack of sleep. I think I averaged more sleep with a newborn. The first night I think my heart literally raced all night long.
One of the hardest things has been deciding how to spend my time. Do I spend most of my time looking for a new job? Do I spend most of my time with my kids? How much time do I spend on those projects around the house that I have neglected? At what point do I decide I have applied everywhere and sit back and wait? Am I trusting God enough or is He expecting me to look harder?
My husband has been my ROCK. He has helped me keep the faith. He has reminded me to trust God even more than we have been. He has also given me permission to wait. I have come close to dangerously burning myself out, which is not helping me to be a servant of the Lord…wife…mother…or good interview candidate. I did not need his permission in authoritative, submissive way, but in one sense, I did. I look to him as our family leader, although my job often takes precedence between our two jobs. Just because I can usually contribute more financially, I respect his opinion and crave his advice. I need someone to tell me to take care of myself.
I have several interviews lined up. None that fit my perfect, ideal job description, which is frustrating. Some have crazy hours, some are many hours away from family. It is frustrating that I might have to choose a job purely for financial reasons. If only I had more time. If only I had more notice. If only.
I think more than anything I have realized how much I limit God. If only I spent as much time seeking His face as I did searching for a job or for finding ways to relieve stress. I hope more than anything that I look back and realize not that I ended up with a perfect job but that I trusted Him. He is not limited by the economy, by my mortgage, by my plans. He already knows where He wants us, and at any second, He could open up a door the size of a redwood!