Don’t you hate when you think you’re on your feet, you’re doing ok…maybe even well, and then someone says something that just brings all of the old feelings back? The feelings of resentment, hurt, vulnerability? In this case, it was not even something something said to me directly, but a description of a friend of a friend.
My sister-in-law is an amazing woman, and I hope to share more of her story one day. Suffice it to say she has been through a LOT through miscarriages and pregnancy. She has been a “working mom” in my book for over a year and is still waiting to meet one of her precious babies. Soon!! Very soon! She and I have gotten to know each other in a whole new light these past few months. It has been wonderful…and horrible …commiserating over morning sickness. In one email she shared a teeny, tiny bit of jealousy over a couple of her friends that were able to stay home during pregnancy with their first baby. Not 2nd, not 3rd. First.
For some reason, that thought hit me hard. Harder than I think it hit my sister-in-law. All I could think about was not just working through two pregnancies, through morning sickness, through rock bottom exhaustion…but working through nursing, through teething, through first smiles, through first steps.
I felt like I had accepted “working.” I was thrilled with my new job…and I found myself back at square one. What if I had been able to be pregnant…at home? What if I had been able to nap or at least rest through severe nausea? What if I had time to run to the grocery when I felt up to it? What if I had time to cook or clean…as my “job”…as my calling? What if I didn’t have to work? Why do I have to work? What else have I missed out on? What if my husband made more? What do “their” husbands do??
It seriously becomes a downward spiral…a BAD downward spiral…that starts messing with your head…your heart…my heart. It is more than just 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. It calls your purpose…your being…into question. It makes it hard to breathe sometimes.
And. Then….Then, I hear the Voice. The still, small Voice. The Voice that calms, quiets, heals. The Voice that reminds me that my purpose is to be a mother (and always a wife) and that my purpose does not change whether I work at a job outside of the home or primarily in the home. My purpose is most importantly to be a child of God and to teach my children to be children of God.
Come back tomorrow to read more about how to regroup when you feel like you are back to square one!!