BFBN: Discipline to Discipline

by Bethany on May 9, 2013

by Rachel Norman (Babywise Friendly Blog Network newest guest poster!)

Discipline can be such a nasty word, huh? It makes me think of military drills, punishment and a mother giving a dirty look while pointing a finger. But really, discipline simply means training, and training is a positive thing. It’s not always easy and it’s not always fun, but it goes part and parcel with parenting. In my short time of mothering (to a 25 month old and a 12 month old) I have also found that disciplining my children requires discipline on my part.

Thoughts on the discipline it takes to discipline.

(1) Consistency is key. If a hard and fast rule of parenting existed (and I don’t know about you, but I wish a whole lot of them did) then consistency would come in at the top. To properly communicate a message to our children without confusing them we must be consistent. A child must know what we require of them before we can expect them to follow through. If say “no kicking” but rarely discipline the act then they will start to wonder what’s going on. So… does mommy mean it? Does she not? Oh… only ever 4th time she repeats it does she really mean it. Being consistent with carrying out discipline, giving instructions, and our routines show our children that they can depend on our word. It is easy to give a directive and just hope – really really hope – that they do it, but then stay on the couch drinking our Diet Coke while they happily ignore us. Why would they listen to our instructions first time if we did this? Answer, they won’t. Consistency requires a large amount of discipline on our parts. Sometimes the absolute last thing in the entire planet I want to do is use time out, put someone in isolation or – don’t judge – stand up from where I’m sitting. Graceful mamas, we gotta mean what we say and say what we mean, don’t we?

(2) Discipline doesn’t take the short-sighted approach. Discipline and training, by nature, takes a long term approach. I’ve found that the majority of the time the best approach rarely allows for the short cut. Whether it’s sleep training, teaching a discipline concept (first time obedience, don’t walk in the road, don’t stuff bananas in your brother’s ear, etc.) or table manners discipline means that we put in the time now for the payout later (see my article on Credit Card Parenting). This takes discipline. If you have decided you will not nurse to sleep, but sleep train by putting a child in the crib drowsy then you’ll come across this dilemma. It takes discipline in the middle of the night to say “No, I won’t nurse her back to sleep for the 35th time since midnight” when we know it’s the quickest way to get her to stop crying and hit the sack. Sure, that’s a good solution for the next 45 minutes, but what about afterwards? Discipline says “this will require more effort now” instead of “what can I do to make the next hour easier.”

(3) Discipline requires forethought. My husband and I had this talk the other day. He says to me, “Ella Kate keeps standing up in the crib when I put her in there for nap time. Then I go back and lay her down then she stands up again and waves, then I go back, etc. She doesn’t listen to me” And I laughed and said, “Well, that’s because I don’t make her do that. She can stand up and wave at me when I leave. She still takes her nap.” See, we were requiring – or not requiring – two separate things and so our daughter was confused why daddy was making such a big deal of it. This was a miscommunication on our part, but the majority of the time we know ahead of time what we do in given situations. I wrote an article on Parenting by Strategy vs. Parenting by Instinct where I talked about the importance of thinking through our discipline choices before they happen. What will we do when our toddler does x? How will we handle kicking, biting or screaming? What happens when he throws himself down on the floor because we made him stop eating sand? Thinking through scenarios beforehand and having some solid and consistent disciplinary measures in place help make training go more smoothly. Plus, you can talk about them with your spouse or child carers so that within reason everyone is responding in similar ways to the child’s behavior.

Training and discipline requires planning. Flying by the seat of your pants only requires reflex. Our reflexes or first reactions will not necessarily be wise or appropriate. That’s why soldiers, athletes and other specialists do training and simulation manoeuvres over and over and over and over and over. They do it so many times that the right way and the best way with the highest chance of success become second nature. This is why disciplining our children requires us to be rather disciplined ourselves. It isn’t easy, but neither is labor… and it’s worth it.

I’m Rachel and I blog at A Mother Far from Home. Over there I write on parenting, pregnancy, shepherding our children’s spiritual journeys, lessons learned and some tips and wisdom when I can find them. Thanks for having me, Graceful Mothers!

 

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Are you worse for working?

by Bethany on April 20, 2013

I saw this question come across the working mom forum on Babycenter, and there were definitely some interesting responses. Everything from “NO WAY!” to “yes, I am extremely more patient and calm at home.” I don’t think there is a wrong answer but I think the reasons behind the answer is critical. The answer also probably lies somewhere between the middle for a lot of us. We all have days where we are CRAVING just a few more hours at home with our little ones and we all have days where we lose our patience at home after 1,302 questions about why they need shoes to go to the playground (and secretly look mentally forward to the whole pack of M&Ms we can have in peace tomorrow at work).

Me? Do I think I am a worse mom for working…full-time especially? Well, sure. Some days. Most days? No. I am not a worse mom for working. Some days I even full like a rock-star, glass is full kinda mom. I work because my family needs me to work. I have provided some pretty awesome insurance for us at times. I do truly value the mundane, the playing on the floor, the chasing around the yard, the conversation around the supper table SO MUCH more than I think I would if I saw and heard it day in and day out. I hear so many stay at home mom friends that just go nuts over their kids’ behavior…and some days so do I…but I often hear an underlying frustration behind the complaint because they see it day in and day out. It is a lot harder to see progress. I know that generally the behavior I see this afternoon is probably going to resolve in the next few afternoons and be different next week, but I think it is easy to lose sight of that when you wake up to it and go to bed to it. I am not saying that alone makes it worth it to work or “be away” from my kids, but it does help me keep perspective…and patience.

I think I am also better for being the “working me” because of the example I set for my kids. There are some extremely valuable lessons that kids learn at home. I also feel that there are some valuable lessons my kids only learn by seeing how I balance work with family. They still see that money doesn’t buy everything but they see that there is a love and sacrifice that also goes into “why” I work. My 5 year old is starting to see this. It went from struggling last year when I left for work to an appreciation for what I am doing. A sincere interest and desire to be able to do more and help others with my income. I love it.

I also have a patience with my children that I know without a doubt I would not have if I were always home. It is something inside of me. Not something learned. Not something unlearned. I need a “whole picture” perspective and when I am in the middle of a situation, I cannot see the whole picture for anything. I feel absolutely helpless and for me that is one of the worst feelings. When I am able to take a step outside of the box, it is a completely different experience with a completely different attitude. I feel refreshed and can actually feel like I “see” the answer. It takes me twice as long or even longer to come up with a solution without that break. Again…it’s not all about behavior issues or having a break from my kids…but I just know that my perspective is entirely different when I am in the same environment. I also plan better with limited time. When I am at home, I have such a hard time focusing on where to focus my time.

These are all personal reasons I find that working helps clear my head and give me focus. There are days where I pine over how different things could just be if I stayed at home. If staying at home were my job I would have the house in tip top shape, the kids on an activity schedule, a clear chore organization chart, meals hot at 6 pm, workouts scheduled and done…but it’s just not that glorious. I know myself too well. I am a better mom for working. I am not a worse mom. I may not always like my situation but I love my family. I even love my job. Having a job forces me to do things differently but it also forces me to focus on and appreciate what is most important since it is not staring me in the face 24 hours a day. I would lose sight of that if I stayed home. I would be so frustrated by attitude issues since it would be my job to work on them daily. I would take it personally when my kids struggled, and I would have a hard time knowing how to be a wife, a mom, a housekeeper, a chauffeur  a cook, a listener, a director, a friend, a role model. I am all of those things, but my roles are much more simpler. On a day to day basis, I am a mom and a wife and an employee. The lines are actually fairly clear. Again, not the main reason I work to give my life distinction, but it does let me know that I am making a good decision to be a working mom. I know my limits and I know that I work then I play. I am a mom and a wife the whole time, but after 4:30 pm you’ll have a hard time tracking me down because I am probably on the couch with books poking my knees and back or on the floor building tracks or outside with sand “accidentally” being poured in my shoes. Full “on.” Full better.

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